So the other day I ended up having an additional salad and some steamed rice, bringing me up to around 500 cals for the day.

Yesterday I had about 1600 cals. Haven't calculated it precisely because I'm freaking out a little about having eaten that much. Even though it's NOT that much. Bah. Insidious things.

At the moment I'm just trying not to stress too much, just eat healthy food and only eat when I'm hungry. But given how stressed and shit I am, that may not necessarily work. We'll see.

Good news: I haven't had any alcohol in almost a week! That's the longest I've gone in I don't even remember how long. :)

Well I did try and update this a couple of weeks ago, but my Internet did stupid things and deleted a huge entry, and I couldn't be bothered retyping. Basically, binging has been minimal, but purging has been happening more often than I care to admit.

I was still drinking far too much, but I was also eating minimally as a result. I haven't had any alcohol since last Friday, for reasons that will be explained shortly.

Long story short, I was dumped by the guy I've only been dating a short while, but really fucking care about. It triggered all kinds of past issues, and I had a psychotic-depressive episode (though I hadn't had one since I was 18) and landed in a psyche ward as a result. Anyway, due to all the stress and shit, I obviously didn't eat much at all, and that's slightly... triggered me, I guess.

Now I'm staying with my parents (was only allowed out under the "supervision" of my next of kin - hah, because they're not half the reason I ended up there), and hearing things like "My, you HAVE gained a lot of weight, haven't you?" and "Are you eating again/that much? Really?" Yeah. That's helping.

So part of me is saying "Ahahahahaha I'm back down to 60kgs! Hooray! Eat less, eat less, eat less, lose more weight!" while another part is saying "No, don't start down this slippery slope again." Urgh. Today so far:

Intake:
Coffee - 150cal
V8 juice - 45cal
6" Subway - 250cal
Dry-roasted peas - 200cal
Fruit bar - 100cal
Sugarfree Redbull - 42cal

Total intake = 787

Expenditure:
Trampoline 30 mins - 100
Standing 4 hours - 800

Total expenditure = 900

So... I'm up to -113cals today. I don't know whether to bang my head against a desk or jump for joy.

So I have officially maintained the weight loss of earlier, with my weight still 61.5-62kgs, consistently. Despite copious drinking! And no restricting!

I look at the numbers and still want to cringe. But it's better than the start of the year, at least. And it's motivating me to keep eating healthily and exercising plenty.

Hoping to start doing kickboxing and/or tennis soon. Mmmmmm, fitness.

Hahah, just when you think the CFS is officially 'in remission', you try restricting for a few days and it knocks you flat on your arse. Or the hypoglycemia does.

Still fat. Going to be for a while. Or, more likely, forever. Yay.

Just for something totally different - went to the University of Sydney's big library booksale, bought a few awesome things, very cheaply, hooray. Including a book that's going to be very handy for Celtic Studies in the future.

Now I just need the time to read them. :P

Sooooo, it turns out that I misread the nutritional info on this random okra curry I got from the Indian grocers the other day.

1150 kcals per serve (with rice).

Fucking hell. That's INSANE, especially for a vegetable curry!!! Fortunately that's the only thing I ate today, other than an apple, and then I walked for 3 hours, burning a minimum of 900kcals. So altogether not too bad.

But still. NEVER BUYING THAT AGAIN. EVER.

Yesterday's calorie intake = 1 medium tomato (so about 30kcals of food), and quite a bit of alcohol.

I am now somewhat hungover (right when I need to be on my game and working on my assessment! Nice work!). Buuuuuut...

I've lost more weiiiiiiight! Weighed myself at the start of the week, was at 63kgs, which is a loss of a kilo and a half from the last time I weighed myself. Despite the fact that I hadn't actually been actively trying to lose weight, really.

And then today... 61.4kgs. Some of that will possibly be water weight (though I've chugged several liters, so it's unlikely), but still. At the moment my goal is to be no more than 58kgs for my 21st birthday (21st October). The hardest part will be cutting down on the drinking in the meantime.

61.4! Still huge, but less huge! That's 135lbs (out of the 140s, yaaay), and a BMI of 20.5! Hooray!

Only purged once this week, go team me! Well, also while being drunk (as will again be the case tomorrow), but that doesn't really count.

And it made me feel really... odd? Unwell? It was very unpleasant.

I haven't been strict about the food budget again this week, damnit. Have been eating less during the day, but more at night. Stress binging, very fucking irritating.

Now I'm off to try and motivate myself to clean the flat in preparation for a health inspection (weird - since when does the council do health inspections of PRIVATE residences??). Wooooooooo!

Having a blog is narcissistic (only if you're me - other people's are worthwhile and/or interesting).

Sooner or later, this must end.

I'm currently obsessed with the texture of this textured vegetable protein fake-beef-jerky stuff you get from Asian grocers. It's kind of a challenge to eat, since I chipped the points off of several of my canines a few years back, but it's fun. Also very low calorie, low fat, and high protein. And cheap!

Sooooo I need to stop drinking so much. I haven't been eating too badly, but I then well and truly supplement my calorie intake (not to mention my grocery budget) getting drunk. Damn you wine, why must you be so delicious and so very, very high in calories??

Hilariously, though, I bruised my forehead while throwing up the other night, I think I slipped and hit the toilet. Hi-jinks!

At leaast I've been able to sleep again; I seem to have traded off insomnia for an increased incidence rate of panic attacks, which is annoying. Need to get my shit together, one of these days. I have nothing exciting to report (other than... ALCOHOL/DRUNKENESS=LOVE!), so I shall stop wasting virtual trees.

Background: I can't sleep lately. It's driving me mad. While talking to my "boyfriend", I said I should start smoking weed again, so I can sleep.

His response was "yeah, and it'll help you lose weight!"

Cheers, arsehole. Gah.

Going out to a celebration for some awesome people tonight. And as usual, I'm being a fuckwit about it.

Leaving the house freaks me out. Encountering other people freaks me out. And it's "smart casual", which means I shouldn't dress like my usual hobo self. Tried on the outfit I am/was planning on wearing and...

Woo. I look like a whale in a dress. Why did I have to inherit the genetic phenotype of a brick shithouse?? Awkward build, shoulders too broad (so my sleeves aren't long enough, which is... an issue, at the moment), and just fat fat fat.

And to improve matters, I've pinched a nerve in my side or something, so I can't even suck in my goddamn gut. And I'm in excruciating pain, but not being able to suck in that fat is more of a problem.

Great. So getting drunk tonight. Hooray, empty calories, an activity contra-indicated for people with Crohn's, extra pain, and trying to not talk too much (or cry). Man, I love alcohol.

Ohhhhhhh how I wish they'd invent calorie-free alcohol. Ate fuck all today, so it's not too bad, but any calorie (especially an empty one) is a bad one!

Now I don't know what to think. So I'll get drunk, that I'll not have to think at all. :)

This time of year seems to especially fuck with my head. There's something about it - the temperature, the scent, the weather - that just catapults me back through time, making me even more maudlin than usual.

Lately, things are... difficult, at best. 'How unusual!' you might say. 'How droll,' I would reply (because I have these conversations with my imaginary friends, frequently). In any case, I can't stop thinking about time gone by. I know, I know, live in the present and all that. But, I think it's justified when I really stop and compare.

Then (August 2007):

- I weighed 44 kilos (2kg off my lowest weight), giving me a BMI of 14.7, which classified me as 12-15kgs underweight, depending on your reference.

- I was taking amphetamines on a daily basis, making me almost outgoing, cheerful, ridiculously friendly and nice.

- I was in the top 3 of all my classes (and first in all bar 2), leading to a bloody high UAI.

- I had an active social life, and a lot of friends, or at least, people who pretended to be so, by being nice to me, talking to me, hanging out with me, etc.

Now (August 2009):

- I weigh 64 fucking kilos. BMI of 21.4, back in the "healthy" weight range, which, when you're built like a brick shithouse (as I am), looks more like 364 kilos.

- Where amphetamines did lead to inevitable massive "crash and burn" days of severe depression, now that's just the everyday mood. I get the horrible 'downer' without first having the high!

- I'm struggling to be anywhere near up to date with uni work, let alone succeed academically. Mostly due to the above point.

- I have no social life. I leave the house, other than for uni and groceries (which don't require actual human interaction), every couple of weeks. I have one friend at uni, and I hardly see her anymore.


Even given the fact that I'm partially romanticising the past, and discounting all the shit that happened (the fading severity of PTSD is a nice thing!), it's safe to say that things have gone downhill massively. The only problem with trying to live in memories of the past is that, at some point, you have to come back to reality.

That's my narcissistic post. Post your own whinges and make me feel less melodramatic (or, you know, don't respond at all, and we can all pretend that this never happened).

Decided to stop being chickenshit, and start recording calories again. Yesterday = 1528 gross cal. I've decided I'm not going to subtract exercise from the gross intake (hah, and gross it is), in an attempt to further motivate myself.

So 1 day of recording calories and I'm already freaked out and trying to lower the intake. I'm sure that's a good sign. /sarcasm

According to this site, if I eat 1400 cals a day, I can be back down to 49/50kgs, for a BMI of 16.4-16.7, by my 21st. That's ridiculously slow compared to the good old days, but I guess the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome means that I have no choice.

I'll aim for that, though it's pretty inevitable that over the hols my calorie intake will probably drop >1000 again. Having your parents constantly remind you that you're practically obese is pretty damn good motivation! Or perhaps I'm just contrary.

Off to attempt to do some study. Blergh.

Lasted 3 days at very, very mild restricting. Then the good old low blood pressure/hypoglycemia shit kicked in big time, and I passed out, twice.

Starting to think that I'm doomed to be this fucking huge forever.

So, "green beans" can be added to the list of incredibly unpleasant and/or difficult things to purge. This list, from memory, comprises:

- corn chips (pointy, ow, unless incredibly well chewed)
- crisps (same as above)
- potato and/or chips (heavy and sticks together - mmm, suffocation)
- sushi (rice does the same as above)
- dairy or meat of any kind
- bread (same as above)
- curry or anything spicy (burning, burning pain)
- green beans

That's all I can remember at this juncture. Hahaha I'm so gross. :P


P.S. Also, this is my "real" blog, in that I can't post anything personal on the other one, since way too many people who would use this shit against me read that. There is more to my life than EDs. Well, at the moment, LOL.

Made some (low fat) muffins, ate 2, purged for the first time in quite a while. Threw the rest out and went for a 2 hour power-walk. Could have used a friend to talk to, but hey, let's be realistic! Who knows, maybe this is the first step towards ditching some of this lard. Though I've once again burst the blood vessels under/around my eyes, which is annoying.

Asked my "boyfriend" which is higher on his list of dislikes: self-injury (which he really opposes, mainly because he finds scars "unattractive") or eating disorders. Self-injury, naturally, though he's "also opposed to wasting food."

Naturally. And I have a pretty damn good idea why; anorexics/EDNOS' are usually thin (and he doesn't like "fat" people), and they're better at hiding this shit, until it becomes severe. So, unlike self-injury, where you can see the scars, and have to acknowledge the problem, with EDs you can just ignore it completely.

Came across this on one of the many, many pro-ED communities on LiveJournal. It's actually pretty effective.

1.Are you on the verge of a binge?

2.why?

3.Where has your control gone?

4.Does food really control you THAT MUCH?

5.Do you want to be fat for the rest of your life?

6.So, if you don't start taking control of your life now...when will you?

7.Have you shared any food with a family memeber or friend today?

8.Have you exercised today?

9.Do you think you should exercise now instead of stuffing your face?

10.Are you the fattest in your group of friends?

11.Are you trying to make anyone jealous?

12.Do you think if you binge now you'll reach your UGW?

13.Do you want to be picked up by your friends with ease?

14.Do you want to be able to sit on your friends/bfs lap without crushing them?

15.Do you still feel like binging?

16.Have you had 8 glasses of water today?

17.Imagine how many compliments you will get when you're thin, do you like the thought of that?

18.Look at yourself in the mirror, are you happy?

19.Pinch the fattest part of you, would you like to loose that?

20.Make a pact with yourself that you will resist this binge because you're above that!

I'm down about 3-4kg since the start of April. A depressingly small amount, but still better than gaining, especially since I've been eating so much shit.

On the bright side, soon I'll be back at my parent's place, and their constant criticisms about how fat I've gotten are usually pretty damn good motivation. Not to mention the fact that I work 8:30-6:00pm 5 days a week there, so there's not much chance to mindlessly binge. As long as I refrain from binging on Sunday (only day off) or Saturday afternoon, it should be fine. And last time I was there, I was exercising for 3-4 hours per day, on top of burning calories by standing up all day.

But thennnnnn... I regained the weight when I stayed with my "boyfriend", because he eats like shit. So maybe we won't be doing that this time.

Urgh. I want to be thin again. I want to have friends again. I want to be academically successful again. Everytime I get fat, my life goes to shit... again. You'd think I'd learn.

*waddles off to do some work*

Aaaaand we can add Poptarts to the list of binge foods. Also corn chips (especially with refried beans).

Fortunately, Poptarts are hard to get, and ridiculously bad for you, so I definitely shan't be buying them again.

Boyfriend visited, and I ate too much crap, as usual - the fact that I have lots of work to do, and exams looming, does NOT help with the binge eating. Now he's gone, yay!, so I have to begin again with the self-discipline.

It's so not fair that so many people can eat whatever the hell they like and not gain weight. He eats HEAPS, most of it JUNK, drinks no water (only soft drinks and juice), and is still thin. I'm vegan and fucking approaching obesity. Yeah, totally fair.

And that's my whinge for the day. :P

So, I've put a list on my fridge of all the foods I'm no longer allowed to buy, because I tend to binge on them. They are:

- chocolate
- bhuja mix
- cashews
- pistachios
- garlic-roasted peas
- ingredients for making cookies
- cookies/sweet biscuits
- muesli bars

So far I've been pretty good with sticking to not buying them. :)